wisdom

five six twenty ten is your fourth and i love and miss you
sixteen twenty point eight two is too far for you to be from me

be still. be kind. be patient.

soon, i will see you again.

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I often dream of a more suitable place : an exceptionable world.

This apocryphal world would be inhabited by kind and pure individuals who sought to improve their quality of life and the lives of others. They would not be filled to the brim with hate, deceit, vindictive abhorrence or any noxious, toxic or pernicious convictions. They would speak kindly of those who were not in accord with them and they would share their ideals and wishes in peace and harmony. There would be balance and purity of thought. There would not be multitudes of fabrications forced down the minds of their followers. There would be no followers. No lynch mobs. No misguided coterie. No defamation, belittlement, denigration, traducement or aspersions.

Sadly, this world is not real. In the real world I stand face to face with the begrudged.

I have been alive for 13,667 days.

I hate no one. I hold no grudge or animosity toward a single human being on this planet. I do not agree with everyone. I do not feel comfortable with the actions of some. I worry, I fear, I love, I live, I laugh, I make mistakes and I dream. I always dream… of an exceptional world.

I am a father who loves his children very very dearly.
I am a father who misses his children very very much.

I am surrounded by hatred, greed, lies, war and trickery.

I think about how we, as human beings are so terribly lost in our own meaningless ways that we have completely forgotten how to live. How to truly live. I think about how every day a child, an elder, a wife, a husband or a friend feels pain, sadness or even dies due to some conflict another human has brought on. I think about how we are so obsessed with ourselves, our own egos – that our pride justifies our hostility towards others. I think about how we can exonerate one act of hatred over another; one act of vengeance as payment for another; one act of violence to justify our antipathy.

We need to stop teaching our children hate, malevolence, religious intolerance and vengeance.

We need to stop acting like uncivilized beings; stop justifying our mistakes and begin accepting responsibility for our actions; stop blaming others; stop being so damn greedy; stop thinking that one person is better than another; stop being ruled by fear:: stop spreading hate.

We need to stop and think of how our actions will affect others.
How our actions will affect our children. How your actions will affect my children.

I have been alive for 13,667 days.
I often dream of a more suitable place : an exceptionable world.
I often dream of my children.

“You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. Come back when you are worthy.”

I must remember that this moment, this pain, this change is just a very tiny speck in time…

“Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.”

~ Carl Sagan

Solitude; enforced, prescribed, commanded – once again.

I’m sure I should epitomize the experience as deafening, however, the silence is illuminating only in the fact that it is so profound. I find no peace in this solitude. I care not to be left with my thoughts, or the muffled sounds of distant life outside these cold walls.

I find no muse in this silence.
There are no predictions, prognostications or revelations found within this noiselessness.

Only wanting.

I long for the sound of tiny feet scampering about; of laughter, joy and high-pitched screeches. I wish to hear a crash or a bang of misguided launch attempts of typically non-airborne playthings. I want my attention to be completely absorbed in a little learning mind.

But instead I discover silence. Albeit temporary.

There have been no morning demands, afternoon refusals or evening songs accompanied by guitar. I will not hear the familiar sound of morning surprise and tales of adventures recently experienced in imaginary lands. I will not be awakened by the thrill of liberated excitement and unfettered delight. No… I will be alone.

Literally, in silence.

Instead, I long for those few moments when electrical impulses were sent hundreds of miles to my ear and I laughed briefly as my heart soared. But those times, too have faded, have been stolen, torn from me intentionally by cold, vindictive hearts born from cruelty and contempt. Misguided plans have been set in motion by blind, weak and young souls.

This musing is not a ploy for pity or sympathy, but rather a discernment of all that has been presented to me. My recognition that in the end, ultimately, I have been and will be alone. I can claw at the air and grasp at the millions of ‘nothings’ that slip through my crooked fingers… but will never catch a single ‘nothing’ to examine. And there is only one to blame. I am left powerless, to my own devices, cold and alone in a dark place, intentionally.

And this is where I will sit quietly.
In silence.

…wanting

to be with you.

Falling from the Earth.

Remembering the lost words just moments before I plummet deep into the abyss. I see truth around me, it stings my eyes. Lies are breathed into my ears and burn my soul. I raise my arms to block the stares of those who succumb to the calumny injected into the system of failure. I carefully place precious glass ornaments into my pockets as I continue my decent, upwards – far away from Earth. My fragile existence is violently ravaged by malicious intent, vituperation and poison that slowly infects my soul.

I am left bare, only bones remain.

They are not brittle. They are in fact, stronger than the voice that breathed them into existence over billions of years of evolution. I no longer allow your venom to transude my thoughts. I am surrounded by joy, friendship, contentment, dreams, and children. I am stronger than you. I will survive. I will grow, change and evolve.

I will live.

There is always a great and powerful call to change.

This very moment in our existence is the greatest and the most trying time in the history of humankind. We all have the ability to make a difference in this world. What will you do to separate yourself from the masses? How will your voice be heard?

Take the time to make a difference in your world. Even the slightest action will create ripples, then waves through time. We are all works in progress – take your steps and be a part of the bigger picture.

Don’t criticize others who don’t take all the steps you do.

Just because you feel that you are making a more impressionable difference on the planet – does not give you the right to criticize the changes others are making – or the steps they are taking towards change. Each and every little step we take is a positive example – so lets unite and stop the fighting. It’s time to pass along positive energy towards the works in progress – congratulate those who are trying to save the environment, those who protect and save animals and those who protect and save humanity – don’t judge or pick apart ‘how’ they are doing so – only to find a weakness or a flaw – be grateful that they want to make a difference – that they want to help change our world.

I commend all of you who are taking steps towards our revolution – and the betterment of life on this planet.

How will your voice be heard?

Grow. Learn. Conserve. Preserve. Question. Denounce. Educate. Change. Free your mind.

Evolve.

My personal space is currently being refitted to accommodate the current shift. The current color scheme I’ve chosen is clear. I like this color on me. It’s fresh and palpable in the sense that I can simply and openly experience what is ahead without hiding behind the facade of opacity. I can now believe in nothing. For a moment.

I spend my days and nights caring, loving and living for my son. I do this alone. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Endlessly. I put aside any freedom, personal space or recreation to be teacher, father, doctor, chef, caretaker, nanny and playmate. I wouldn’t exchange it for the world. We spend our time together, wonderfully experiencing life and the wonderful world around us. I work from home, which gives me the freedom to spend as much time as humanly possible with my son – to take afternoon walks in the beautiful desert, to grab a healthy snack or a pastry at his favorite little hang out, where we experience the kind and wonderful people in this small community we call home.

Adaptation, change.

The world is shifting in unexpected ways, quite expectedly. I look forward to the future, the road ahead and all that must be done. I look forward to holiday visits, for my son’s sake. I look forward. Never looking back for too long. I’ve spent too much of my time obsessing over circumstances of the past. There is no puzzle, no predestined path or well written journal of things to come. There never was. ‘Everything happens for a reason’, is really only an excuse for what has already happened. Our feeble way of explaining why some circumstance may have been ill willed, ill fated or horrific. Everything does not happen for a reason. However…

Everything happens.

Others have moved on, moved forward and created a path that is new and fresh. I, too can look forward now, rejecting the past. I can see beyond all the pain, emotional ties and past hopes. I can rise above what was to be – truly ready for what will soon be. I’ve waited too long to look ahead, myself. I believed. I believe. I believe in me.

So, I move forward with love in my heart, hope in my future and with a dream held carefully in my hands.

my dreams are my agent provocateur appointed by my enthusiasm
I am still and stagnant and detached; a silent observer
anticipating the comeuppance

no more

I would love to lie to you and say that I’ll write again soon, but I just don’t feel like putting the energy into an elaborate story as to why I haven’t written in forever and how soon I will write again… Honestly, I have been distracted by all of life’s little gadgets, gizmo’s and ‘ganks’. I could go on about how I have ‘a lot on my plate’ right now, or how I have ‘too many irons in the fire’ – but that’s just never a good enough excuse for anyone. So I’ll just throw all the excuses out the window and write as if I had readers interested in this more recent post – only a short four months later.

I’ve also decided to abandon my typical cryptic and vague posting format to simply share a few things about me, that all the millions of imaginary readers would love to know. Very few things in fact – but let’s be honest here, I haven’t written in a while… I don’t want to bore you right off the bat.

Don’t move while I draw you…

I’ve been creating still – yes. Mostly with graphite, my first love. We have an understanding, graphite and I – we work well together and never fight. I do have a new fling – oils, but we don’t always see eye to eye. But if you look back a few posts, you can see that we still can get along and make magic. I am planning some huge projects with graphite – I’ll keep you posted, I promise. Here’s my favorite recent sketch:

And now for a coffee break with someone special.